Untangling the Phone Lines
If you're a thrill seeker, in France there is no need to leave the comfort of your home. Pick up your phone and dial the number to an administrative office of your choice. Call your local Hydro company or your Social Assistance office, go wild. You can even play a game of what should be simple but probably isn't by calling for a random service and seeing how convoluted it all can be. You are in for the emotional roller coaster of a lifetime.
Caution: This activity is not for the faint of heart.
They say that the best things in life are free. Many offices in France must know this, since they charge you a fee to call them. It's like a twisted calling service. For just 6 cents a minute you can have your dreams crushed and all of your hair follicles torn out!
You might worry that your hard earned money is going down the drain, but I have my theories that it all goes to the musical ensemble creating the on hold music. It starts softly, like a mermaid's humming, luring you in. It then quickly rises and falls, like a pinball in a machine trying to escape, but instead of carnival joy you hear the sounds of creepy choral children.
Nah-nah-na... na-na-na...
-silence-
"Hello???" I squeal excitedly. But the music resumes, seemingly louder and more violent. The pause was clearly a torture device to raise and drop my hopes within seconds. Listening to these tones for 10 minutes straight is a true test of human perseverance. If you can survive those first crucial moments without going insane, then maybe, just maybe you will be able to handle what comes next.
Please type in your secret code. "My secret code to what!?" I scream desperately. I fumble with my phone and type a random series of numbers. My blood pressure rising. Is this some cruel test? A right of passage to becoming French?
We're sorry. We do not have that postal code on record.
Postal code!? You said secret code. I might not be a native French speaker but I have a witness to attest to the fact that the word postale was not stated in the first utterance.
Thank you. If you are looking to have an early onset heart-attack dial 1. If you would like to wail painfully into the receiver before speaking to a technician dial 2. If you wish to smash 10 plates dial 3. If none of the above appropriately fuck you up dial 4.
With trembling fingers, I select 4.
"Hello," I say cautiously, "my anxiety is through the roof right now. How can you help make it worse?"
"Hello Ma'am. Thank you for your call. Unfortunately, I can't help you with that. You should have dialled 2 at the options menu. You will need to call again and select 2."
It is obvious that this woman is a professional anger stimulator. "You can't just connect me to that department?" I ask, stating the obvious.
"No, you must call back."
Challenge accepted.
As I repeat this painfully useless process, a new development occurs. A male voice announces: "Your file is being studied. Your file is being studied. Your file is being studied. Your file is being studied," like a glitch in the matrix where I am constantly rewinded to my worst nightmare.
And then: "Thank you for your call. Good bye!"
I could accept defeat at this moment. But I have learned too many secrets of this mysterious call centre to give up now. French services are full of riddles to solve with "secret" postal codes and treacherous paths of "choose your own number adventure" (but not the wrong one because they'll disconnect you).
In this round, I jump through the hoops, take the shortcuts-- a professional, unstoppable French call options explorer. Expected wait time 1 minute.
Enfin! I got a human to speak to and to help me with my problem! I try to act calm and not like a giddy fan finally meeting their hero. The woman on the other side is kind but unhelpful. She tries to explain why my problem isn't really a problem and I try to explain why she's wrong. Finally, she says she will contact a specialist to help resolve my problem. I naively await to be transferred, but it's France and they don't do that.
"Your specialist will call you within the next week or two and it might be a private number."
That's why I so highly recommend this adventure, it has elements of surprise and keeps you on your toes. "Oooh, when will the 'specialist' call" I wonder, "While I'm working? While I'm sleeping? Is he my secret neighbour and he'll put a walkie talkie in my mailbox? The possibilities are endless!"
Total cost: €1.08 (Budget friendly!)