Tourists Ask the Darndest Things
I work at a tourism office and I am blessed with experiencing the most ridiculous, incomprehensible, outrageous, idiotic, questionable, obtuse and absurd, silly, fascinating and captivating elements of the human species. Here are some highlights:
How do I get to the CNN tower?
A part of me understands this initial error, after all, CN which stands for Canadian National, wouldn't really be familiar to Americans, the same way as I just had to google what CNN actually stands for. No matter how many times I correct them or emphasize CN, they still leave saying "Okay, so I just follow the signs for the CNN Tower?" I think we can all agree that there is only one logical solution: We must rename our tower. We already renamed the Skydome, what's another punch to the Toronto identity?
Is Old City Hall 500 or 600 years old?
My favourite part of this question is that the person felt like they had a general idea of how old Old City Hall might be, but just needed clarification. Surely, even if you are as poorly versed in Canadian history as most Canadians are, you must know that North America was colonized fairly recently. Did dinosaurs go extinct 2000 or 3000 years ago? Are the pyramids 1 million or 2 million years old? Were you born yesterday or two days ago?
What's a restaurant I can go to where girls wear skimpy outfits but isn't Hooters?
I can only answer this question with another question. What events in your life have led you to give so little fucks that you ask a female student at a tourism office where you can get your creep on? And, since I can only assume that you are banned from Hooters for whatever freaky reason, are strip clubs just not satisfactory for you?
I read that there's supposed to be an orgy at the park today, could you check for me what time that's happening?
I know that this sounds like someone just prank calling us, but given my expertise in answering phone calls from international and local weirdos, I can tell you that these kinds of people are truly serious and they are frighteningly numerous. From the man who hangs up if another man at our office answers, to the man who comments on how nice and young our voices sound, the creeps are everywhere.
What's the best way to get to Montreal for lunch today? (asked in Toronto around 1 p.m.)
Translation: Hello, I have absolutely never looked at a world map in my life and have zero concept of the size of Canada. Maybe I once fleetingly heard that Canada is the second largest country in the world, but I thought to myself "Well, if I can drive across my country in 3 hours, Canada must be, what, double that size?"
Where can I see Indians in their typical villages?
There's nothing I hate more than seeing the disappointment in the Europeans' eyes when I tell them about museums where they can learn about Aboriginal history. "No, you don't understand! I want to see how they live!" they explain with frustration while pointing at a picture of a man in a headdress. I'm now rolling my eyes so far to the back of my head that I can almost see their upside down worldview. As I give a brief history of Aboriginals in Canada, the Europeans almost have tears welling up in their eyes. Not because of the poverty levels or the colonial discrimination Aboriginal nations have endured for centuries, but because I tell them that Aboriginals live in houses and drive cars and probably won't stop their days to be observed like zoo animals by white Europeans.
Does Canada have a capital?
No. Contrary to the popular belief that our country is ruled by a real-life Disney prince known as Justin Trudeau, our country is actually governed by a Great White Polar Bear. Due to his nomadic nature, it was difficult to set an official "capital" (is that what developed nations call it?) and we just settled on having the whole Great White North be his roaming ground.
Where is there a deficiency of doctors?
This is a question from the series "You said 'ask us anything' so I won't leave until you, a person who has no expertise in the field of my overly specific question, can give me the exact answer I need. And no, giving me the contact information for an actual knowledgeable human being will not cut it." Other questions in this series include: "Here is all of the information about me, now how do I immigrate to Canada?" "I got scammed by someone through Western Union, can you help me get my money back?" "Where should I set up my business in this field that you have never even heard of?" "Where do I find an ASL interpreter?" and hundreds more!